Takfir, recipe for ‘Halal’ genocide

We live in a cauldron of sectarian strife. Where Deobandis consider Shias, Ahmedis and Barelvis dispensable, Salafis consider every one disposable, Shias and Sunnis feel Ahmedis should be put to the sword. All in all, most of the mainstream sects have a hint of Takfiri, a dash of fanatic and a sprinkling of Tableeghi in them. And yet, there has been no mention of the treatment meted out to the non-Muslim minorities yet. Those dishes, err! People are not allowed in the kitchen called Pakistan. Or we use the whole set of chefs’ knives we bought using CIA funding.

Apart from Jhang, Karachi and other pantries of Pakistan, our crooks have been trained in Kashmir, against the vegetarian chefs; and Afghanistan, against the radical chefs from Russia. Remember the 80s? We had a famous General Crook working with the CIA? He’s the one who bought the knives. In short, our cookhouse is more of a madhouse. And these were just the chefs, we haven’t even mentioned our in-house official butchers yet. It’s a dangerous business, cooking. We cannot be hypocrites and claim we ensure safety and security, and that too peacefully for anybody, let alone the rare dishes.

The chefs, at least the ones trying to maintain a certain taste, want the Arab cuisine to be the favorite, not just the favorite; it should actually be considered the most supreme among all, compared to which any rare or medium rare dish should not be given any importance. However, there is a major problem, we are not sticking to Arab food and the chefs that be don’t like it. The reason is that everyone has opened a TV channel to promote their own recipe and hence it gives them an edge. Chefs from the Tigris and Euphrates valley are being given more airtime, and the Persian chef is increasingly poisoning the cooking trends. Hence, we have decided to purge his minions using our master chefs’ LeJ (lovingly known as the Jhangvi) & SSP (fondly remembered as the Sipah-e-Sahaba).

Here are a few recipes from the online archives of the Haq Char Yaar website, a favorite with SSP and LeJ, yes yes these are some famous chefs known for their unsavory methods for purifying our cookhouse. Their craving for purity is the driving factor, even if it means burning and slaughtering the dishes. They compete with butchers, but that is a separate story. Let’s not botch it up for now.






Avoid them at all costs, on the roads and wherever else you go. And don’t be offended if they shoot you down, especially if you are a Persian chef and a Shia; bear in mind that even if you have tasted Persian food you might not be spared, totally your fault for not sticking to Arab food. If possible, keep your greasy kitchens locked, as nobody is willing to take a guarantee against them. The supporters of the Arab food don’t even consider the Persian cooks worthy rivals. Useless and dispensable the food as well as the ones who make it, is what the clear message is. So read it carefully.

Not to be left behind in technology, many of these dangerous chefs are tweeples now. They know only good recipes are not enough to take down the foreign imposters, so they now use social media for voicing their frustration. They have quite a following too, more than 2000 followers and some blood curdling tweets, giving a step by step methodology to flush out the unwanted. They might even put our butchers to shame. Follow them for some good cleaving and beheading techniques if you are a butcher.






Our cookhouse, the madhouse, brewing war to spread all over the world to appease the oil giants and their consumers is in a sad shape. Be it Gilgit, Quetta, Parachinar, Lahore, Karachi, Hyderabad, the poison is spreading with no end in sight. For how long till it boils over and burns each and everything is anybody’s guess. One thing is sure though, none of our safety gear is in place and the inspectors aren’t interested in even checking the fire extinguishers. Till then, butchers roam freely in this land of pure!

Baba

We only knew him as Baba. He was my paternal grandmother's house help. A World War I and II veteran, who lost his family in India to a plague in the 1930s, came to Pakistan in 1947, and met my grandmother in 1950. (I'll have to confirm the dates with my mother - it was the year my uncle was born and my grandmother, who was a school teacher had to rejoin her job after maternity leave)

When he knocked on the door, he looked very frail, so Ammajee tried to offer him food. But he refused. His self respect was great and he felt insulted by her 'charitable' offer. Instead, he asked her for work. My grandmother needed a nanny and a house help, so she asked Baba if he can cook. He responded in affirmative to cooking, cleaning and taking care of a newborn. Hence, he was hired.

His life, from what I have heard revolved around my uncle, whom he took care of for 16 years. One day, Baba disappeared and nobody was able to trace him. My grandparents lived in Jacoblines Quarters - one of the many areas inhabited by Urdu speaking migrants, apart from Martin Quarters, Jahangir Road Quarters, Abyssinia Lines and other neighbourhoods in the old city. In the 70s my grandparents resettled and later the quarters were demolished to make way for family residential apartments, measuring merely 45 square yards.

My mother tells me that one day, while my father was passing through the area, he found Baba living in a hut near some rubble. He had broken his leg, and had taken to begging. He also was suffering from some memory loss and chanted 'Allah hoo' almost all the time. My father brought him home, where his condition, despite visits to doctors deteriorated, and he continued to beg in our neighbourhood.

I remember as a kid, many people told my parents to hand him over to Edhi, since he was not even a relative, but a ‘mere old servant’, who begged and made everyone feel ashamed. However, my parents persevered. He stayed with us, despite his cursing and hurling insults at my mother and aunt for not giving preference to ‘boys’, for not taking enough care of children, and for not getting him the desired ‘tambaakoo wala paan’ in 25 paisas. He loved paan, apart from begging to save for his ‘funeral’.

Often, his demands were to buy him two Zahoor Rajajani Tambakoo Paans in 50 paisas. Even though, we told him countless of times that Baba, a paan costs 75 paisas now, and not 25. Since he never listened, we always used to cover up for the missing money. Baba loved feeding us kids ‘nihari roti’ with the money he begged. And of course, we loved eating it with him too - despite our runny noses and hiccups.

Baba was an era, almost a century, who left us when he was 95 years old. That was the first time when I found his last rites had to be performed in a different way. My chacha went to a Sunni maulvi to find out if he could be taken care of at an Imambargah, since we were not keen on sending him to Edhi. At that time, Sunni mosques were not equipped to deal with dead bodies. This was early 90s. He was a Hanafi Sunni, who had no trouble eating niaz, nazar or giving fateha. He had already bought a white shroud from begged money, which he had, a few months ago given to my mother with instructions for his burial.

Baba wished to be buried the Sunni way, and his grave was to be left un-cemented. With permission from a relevant Sunni maulvi, Baba was bathed and shrouded at an Imambargah, amid a mixed Shia and Sunni funerary gathering. He was buried the Sunni way, with the help of the Sunni side in our family. Nobody had a problem with the way it happened. Nobody had trouble setting foot in the Imambargah at that time, and nobody asked if he was a Deobandi, Ahle Hadees, Barelvi or Wahabi. We were tolerant then!

Best religion without a consolidated following

A very sorry excuse given by Muslims for the atrocities they commit, in defense of their religion which allows them to commit such crimes in the first place, is what a fellow said after being unable to respond to an argument any further, “Coz u link acts of followers and human beings as what the religion dictates.”

He of course meant to say that what certain individuals belonging to a certain sect do, is not the true portrayal of Islam. It is an interesting u-turn taken by the followers of any philosophy, be it Christians, Muslims or whoever. It is a sort of feigned or at times real detachment from a certain segment of people, who are actually using a part of religion that should probably be left out to adapt with current times or a situation or vice versa.

Take for example Jihad - which these days entails suicide bombings. Now committing suicide is a crime, but getting killed in a holy war is glorious, and a person is titled a Shaheed. A Shaheed enters Heaven and gets to play with 72 virgins. Since times have changed and so has warfare changed, weapons are different, 1,400 years ago it was about swords and shields and now it is about guns and bombs. So, getting killed in a holy war remains glorious, only the weaponry is different.

People would argue, (of course the ones who are in favour of religions) that Islam does not sanction suicide, but they do not mention the Shaheed side of the things. If one is killed in a holy war, no matter how perceived it is, the fact of the matter remains, one is not committing a suicide, but giving ones life for a righteous cause. If Islam had not been so devious and conniving, and of course did not use bribes (like the 72 virgins), people would not have been willing to blow themselves up every day.

So saying that it is only the followers who choose to act this way and the religion had nothing to do with it, does not make sense. It is like someone said we are all the time picking and choosing between the right kinds of Islam followers. Who exactly is the right kind anyway? Who are the ones who actually represent Islam? The Shia, Sunni, Ahle Hadith, Barailvi? If there are none, it means the claims made by Muslims regarding Islam being best and forever were false, after all how is it possible that the best religion to be there ever, does not have even a single consolidated following?